We all know those moments… the ones where in the midst of an argument or shall we say “tense conversation,” you just have to step away.  You remover yourself from the scene to calm down, take some deep breaths and turn inward for a moment.

As adults, we have learned that this allows us time to calm down, think more clearly, and hopefully come back with better self control and perspective.  Our kids have to learn this skill too, and the Taking Time Tool is here to teach them.

The Taking Time Tool has two distinct purposes: 1) Time away to physically remove or distance

ourselves away from the conflict and give ourselves the needed space to calm down and 2) Time in to reflect and take an inventory of how we are feeling and thinking.  What is our anger telling us?  What do we need right now to feel better?

Note: this is different from a Time Out, which is removing a child from a preferred activity / positive reinforcement as discipline.

Taking Time (Thank you to our fellow TOOLBOX teachers at Malcom X Elementary in San Francisco for this share!  Did you know TOOLBOX is taught by over 12,000 teachers worldwide?!)

The “Garbage Can” Tool is a favorite of many students, the “garbage can” is a way we can practice letting go of the little things that sometimes pile up and become a big mess. Parents will often tell their children to “just ignore” someone who is getting on their nerves, but it can be difficult to not take annoying and mean comments personally. The garbage can tool teaches us to imagine a garbage can where we can place the mean and annoying words and then hopefully, let them go.  

Remember: We cannot decide for others what is a big problem and what is a little problem. So the garbage can is only helpful if the child decided that this is a little problem that they want to let go. Ask your child, "What tool(s) might help you right now?" We want to encourage children to utilize the tools that best suit them, and start to problem solve on their own. By reminding them that these tools are already within them, and they have the capacity to use them at any time, we foster a sense of self-sufficiency and resilience.

Check out a fun video from TOOLBOX about the Garbage Can Tool!

Using Our Words is about not just expressing ourselves, but being careful and deliberate in the words we choose, and the tone and context in which we use them.  This is a chance to talk with kids about the weight of our words, and how we can phrase different things in a way that is helpful rather than hurtful.   

Go first: Use your words to focus on what your kids can do rather than what they can't.
Quit fighting! > let's work as a team
Stop crying! > let's take big breaths
Don't run! > Show me your walking feet

Note: An important thing about TOOLBOX is that it is inquiry based​ - meaning, instead of telling the child what tool to use, we want to ask, "What tool(s) might help you right now?" We want to encourage children to utilize the tools that best suit them, and start to problem solve on their own.  By reminding them them that these tools are already within them, and they have the capacity to use them at any time, we foster a sense of self sufficiency and resilience.  As adults, we often use our words to solve problems... (and sometimes, to create them!)  Children are less likely to choose this tool when they are upset and that is okay.  They might find that first they need to use Breathing, go to a Quiet Safe Place, or use their Empathy Tool before they are ready for words.  Remind them of those options if they are feeling stuck.

Video on Using Your Words for Little Ones

Once again, our tool of the week happens to be so relevant to current times! This week, we focus on the Personal Space Tool.  “I have a right to my space, and so do you.” 

For many of us right now, this looks like standing six feet apart in the grocery line. For others, this means sitting on the porch alone for a few minutes, or asking your children to stay out of the kitchen as you cook yet another meal. 

Personal Space is more complicated than we realize, for a few reasons. 

1) As we discussed last week, Empathy is a learned skill, and isn’t easy for young children. Empathy is needed to recognize that the other person needs space. It is important to ask for personal space when needed- others may not recognize the need for it.  When children won’t give space, refer back to the Empathy Tool, and how it has felt for them in the past when people crowd them or don’t give them time alone and they need it. 

2) Personal Space depends on the person. Different people are comfortable with different amounts. Some people are huggers! Some are NOT. There are also different comfort zones depending on how long we have known the person, whether they’re a family member or friend, etc. 

3) Personal Space depends on the situation. While your child may be a hugger normally, he/she may need extra personal space during times of stress. Or he/she may need less, and may be seeking more physical touch, and more affection when stressed. Siblings may need extra time apart, and designated Quiet Safe Places that are theirs.

Go first: Recognize and ask for personal space when you need it. Use the phrase “Personal Space” so your child associates it with the tool. Remind others that needing Personal Space is normal, and doesn’t mean you don’t like the person or are angry with them. Commit to your child that when they need Personal Space, you will make sure they get it.

Activity: Have your child lay down and trace them with sidewalk chalk. Then give them different colors, having them draw a “bubble” around their body outline, with a different color for each scenario. Include a “bubble” for parents, grandparents, siblings, strangers, friends, etc. You can use this to talk about Personal Space bubbles that may look different right now, such as at the store, with grandparents, etc. and explore how and why Personal Space has changed recently. Explore feelings your child may have about those changes, including any fears, sadness, or confusion that may exist. 

Check out this reading of the book “Personal Space Camp” by Julia Cook: https://youtu.be/AsC_QcknhJ4

This week’s tool is especially important for our current times... the Empathy Tool. 

As we all know, having empathy is an incredibly essential character trait.  Yet it doesn’t always come as naturally as you might think.  We are naturally egocentric as small children, meaning we focus on ourselves, and it can be hard to understand what other people might be feeling or thinking. For parents, caregivers, and teachers, this is why some scaffolding, reminders, and prompts to use empathy are especially important. Just as we practice riding a bike, or lining up for a fire drill, Empathy is a skill that must be discussed, practiced, and explored. 

But what about those people who are a little TOO empathetic? You know, the ones who put everyone else first and neglect their own needs in the process? The Empathy Tool has two parts for this very reason. The tag line reads “I care for others. I care for myself.” The icon is a level, signifying the need for balance between the two. 

Go First: Parents, caregivers, teachers...many of you are fantastic at the first part--caring for others. You spend most of your day doing just that! We encourage you to think about the second half; “I care for myself.” What are you doing to care for yourself, physically? Emotionally? Socially? Check out the daily checklist below if you need guidance on setting some daily goals.

Check out this video from Toolbox Project on Empathy and Bullying

Fun video from Sesame Street on Empathy 

Want to learn more about Toolbox and Parenting? Check out their Zoom classes!

Listening is an essential skill, for relationships and for success.  It is something we talk about from the time our children are very young.  In TOOLBOX, we want to expand the definition to not just listening with our ears, but with our eyes, ears, and heart.  When we listen with our ears, we hear the words that are being said.  If asked, we might be able to skim the point of what was said and repeat it back.  When we include the eyes, making eye contact and including what they are expressing nonverbally, we have more of the context.  When we include our heart, taking in the information and looking for the true meaning behind the words, then we are really listening.

Go first: As parents and caregivers, sometimes we struggle to model the listening tool ourselves.  With so much going on, it can be hard to find the time to just sit down and listen without distractions.  When you can, let your child know you are ready to use your listening tool (name it) and then give them your undivided attention.  Turn off the television, and put your phone in another room if you need to.  Through eye contact, paraphrasing, nodding, and asking questions, you might be surprised at the conversations that will happen.

Activity: Draw ahead of time on a piece of paper a picture made up of simple shapes and stick figures. Don’t show that drawing to your children. Give them each a blank piece of paper and a pencil and then instruct them on how to draw your picture — without letting them peek at it. When they’re done, have them compare their drawings to yours to see which one’s picture was most similar to yours. Then switch roles until everyone gets a turn giving and listening to drawing instructions. 

Other ideas: Charades and telephone are great games to explore the importance of communication.  If your child is struggling with not seeing friends, a game of charades over video chat can get everyone laughing!

When life feels overwhelming, we need a place that we feel safe and can find some moments of quiet.  The Quiet Safe Place tool is about finding a physical location, and/or an imaginary one, that can be visited in times of stress to find comfort and calm.

Examples of physical quiet/safe places: “comfort corners,” a hammock, under a favorite tree, curled up in a favorite blanket… imagining a beach, the mountains, or even long walks down the Target home décor aisle.  (Just me?)

Want to practice your quiet safe place?  Try this guided practice.

Family Activity Idea: Draw pictures of your imaginary quiet safe places and discuss.  (Caregivers, you too!  Go first!)

Share: What does it look like?  Sound like?  Smell like?  Textures?  Temperature?  Be as descriptive as possible.  Encourage imagination and creativity!  Bonus points for having your child practice writing skills by describing their QSP!

The Breathing Tool is perhaps our most important one because this is how we take ourselves from overdrive back to neutral.  When a person is overwhelmed or upset, we often try to reason with them or give them choices, when in fact the most important first step is to help them regulate. By taking deep, full breaths, with a focus on connecting with our inner selves, slowing our breathing and calming our body’s stress response, we can bring ourselves back to a place of clear thinking and problem-solving.

Parenting Example: If you have more than one child at home right now, odds are they are going to get on each other’s nerves.  When sibling conflicts begin, try taking a belly breath break- separate them to opposite sides of the room, and set a timer.  (1-5 minutes, depending on age / how escalated they are)  Have them do some deep belly breaths, either on their own with you coaching, or using a guided practice (see links below).  Once they are calm, they can resume play or talk about the issue.

Going First Example: We know that children live what they see, not necessarily what they are told.  So if you want your children to use their tools, the most important piece is to show them that YOU use them.  We call this “going first.”  When you find yourself angry, tense, or stressed, take a moment to pause and say out loud “I need to use my Breathing Tool,” then let them see you take a few deep breaths.  Implementing a daily practice together, such as yoga, mindfulness practice, or other breathing activity is even better! 

Videos:
Sesame Street Belly Breathe 

Quick Breathing Practice (for older kids or adults) 

Storytime video: Breathe with Me Book 

Books:
Breathe Like a Bear by Kira Willey
Alphabreaths: The ABCs of Mindful Breathing by Christopher Willard PsyD, Daniel Rechtschaffen MA, et al

Apps:
Calm App Kids
Headspace for Kids
Stop, Breathe, Think

Some of our favorite books about ADHD and books can that help teach young children self-regulation strategies:

1. The Survival Guide for Kids with ADHD In kid-friendly language and a format that welcomes reluctant and easily distracted readers, this book helps kids know they’re not alone and offers practical strategies for taking care of oneself, modifying behavior, enjoying school, having fun, and dealing with doctors, counselors, and medication. Includes real-life scenarios, quizzes, and a special message for parents.
2. What Were You Thinking? A Story about Learning to Control Impulses This book follows a day in the life of Braden, a 3rd grader who is learning how to control his impulses. Braden wants to be funny and blurts out things he shouldn’t, reacts to things he believes to be unfair without thinking, and eats a bunch of cupcakes without thinking about who or what they might be for. Luckily, Braden has some pretty understanding adults in his life who give him some tips on how to start controlling his impulses: Stop, Think and decide if your actions will make the situation Better or Worse.
3. What Should Danny Do? This book also goes through several choices a boy named Danny makes over the course of his week. He loves soccer, superheroes, and ninjas and he has his very own superpower –The power to choose!
4. How to Be a Super-Hero Called Self-Control Following along on the super-hero theme, this book features a hero called self-control who teaches children (aged 4-7 years) how to handle difficult feelings like anxiety, frustration, and anger. The back of the book has resources for parents.  There is a book by the same author older children (aged 7- 14 years) too, The Kids’ Guide to Staying Awesome and In Control: Simple Stuff to Help Children Regulate their Emotions and Senses
5. What to Do When You Are Mad: A Workbook for Kids If your child struggles to regulate big emotions like anger or has a big temper, this workbook is for them. This workbook helps kids mindfully identify signs of anger in their body, how to vent their anger in healthy ways, and how to use their angry energy to solve problems. Based on self0regulation theory, this is a great book to learn how to work through big mad emotions.

Breathing Practices:
3 min 
5 min 
20 min